A dear one and I were cooking a meal together when he interrupted me to say something so self-centered and dismissive that I froze.

‘You know, buddy,’ I told him, ‘you’d save us both a whack of stress if you’d just leash that ego of yours’.

‘How d’you know its not your ego causing the problem?’ He grinned. Then, without waiting for a response, he walked away while talking about something else entirely.

‘Game, set, and match!’ I thought, but held my tongue because I don’t, as a rule, like to argue or risk hurting people’s feelings. Buddy, on the other hand, sets his own ‘rules’ that don’t let that sort of thing slow him down.

Since ‘feelings’ are intangible, for example, no one’s allowed to ask him to deal with them. No one’s allowed to talk to him about things he’s not comfortable talking about, interested in, or disagrees with. He also forms fast opinions and, once he’s made his mind up on something, people aren’t allowed to talk about it unless its to say he’s ‘right’. And, the list goes on…

‘Topic change!’ He’ll interrupt the friend with the dying relative. ‘You’re bringing me down.’ Call that ‘rude’, and he’ll simply dismiss you as too ‘picky’ or ‘sensitive’. Insist on talking or challenging him, and he’s apt to get defensive and accuse you of ‘attacking’ him, or offensive enough he might slap you up top the head. ‘Are you deaf or just that stupid?!’ he’s been known to snap and to hang up or walk away, only to later act as though nothing’s happened.

So. why do I hang with Buddy? Because, despite that and more, he’s still a nice guy. Popular, skilled, and ‘cool’ (in an intimidating sort of way), he’s got a wicked sense of humor and a ton of cocky charm! And, since he’s an ‘arm’s length’ kind of guy, few in his broad social circle are aware of (or would dare to question) his idiosyncrasies. For those considered to be ‘closest’ to him, though, dealing with Buddy and his rules can be a real treat.

For years, for example, I’ve been trying to get across to him the fact that most people experience emotions and that his distaste for them doesn’t make it right to belittle or negate them. I’ve suggested that whether or not he has feelings, he might at least learn to use common courtesy and respect for the sake of others. And, I’ve told him that setting his rules without allowing others recourse or input isn’t just unfair, its unrealistic.

Whenever I try, though, he’s usually too busy ignoring, arguing, or trying to be the ‘boss’ (or sulking and getting angry when he can’t) to hear anything. Even if he does, however, his cardinal rule is that he “forgets” everything as soon as it happens, making every day a whole new struggle with him.

Ironically, were Buddy to listen, he’d understand that what I’ve been trying to tell him us that I don’t blame him for his selfish callousness. In fact, I suspect its his untrained… or untamed… ego that’s to blame, and that its purposely keeping him from seeing the affect its having on him and everyone around him. Then, he just might understand that I truly do want to help, rather than hurt him, and that it could be in his best interest to give me that chance.

Sadly, his ego makes him more afraid of the change it suspects I’m trying to force on it than of not having me in his life, and his pedantic nature will likely make him demand that I define ‘ego’ before he’ll ever talk to me about it.

I, however, happen to like a challenge as much as Buddy’s ego likes being stroked, so I figure I’ll give it a shot!