I was hanging with the girls, Tuesday, and got asked to read Tarot. One lent me her deck, and another volunteered to ‘go first’. Not having read in… what… months…(?), and not being familiar with the deck, I asked her to focus on a question to which she already knew the answer, so we could see if the cards were willing to ‘play’ with us.

Apparently, they were, because they skipped over whatever miscellaneous question the woman had come up with, and took me straight to another that was far more long term and important to her. Next thing I knew, I was crying… she was crying… and the others were trying to offer her comfort and support. So, I apologized for getting into something that was better handled in a private reading, and offered to get together with her at another time to address the situation properly.

The funny thing was that I didn’t doubt that the cards were capable of doing something like this because I’ve seen it happen too often to not believe in their abilities. What I did doubt, however, was my own ability to ‘tap’ into their wisdom and to interpret them, properly. In fact, I felt the very same clenched ‘dread’ before using the cards that I’ve (almost) always felt when I’ve read… that fear that I won’t be able… that I’ll ‘mess up’, and fall flat on my face. Yet, in the few minutes that this mini-reading took, I was able to describe one of the individuals involved, speak to the situation, and… somehow, offer the woman some comfort… so, I suppose that means I succeeded…(?)

The next night, while out on the (motor)bike with my BF, I got thinking about riding, Tarot, that dread, a psychology book I’m reading, and more… and realized that I’ve spent the majority of my life in that tensed state of self-doubt, fear, and dread. Ever afraid to ‘risk’, I approached everything with a recoiling… avoiding… clenching kind of energy, and was usually just shocked and relieved when I didn’t mess up, get hurt, etc.

Then, about 15 years ago, I got sick to death of being afraid… of holding back… of praying some one or thing would save me… and forced myself to take one of the biggest risks of my life, and to save myself. That experience, while terrifying, was also a ‘game changer’, because it allowed me to understand what a friend had been trying to tell me… that ‘if you’re not a little afraid, you’re not living your life’. It opened up a curiosity… an ability to risk… to trust that I could survive… and a more open and forward moving energy with which to face the world.

Since then, I’ve taken far more risks… on the motorbike, with people, in life in general… than I ever had before, and I’ve learned to trust in myself far more, and to enjoy the process far more… bruises and all!

That’s about when it ‘hit’ me that I’d learned to use the Tarot while still in that clenched state of energy, so its no wonder that I approached the cards with that same sort of energy, and learned to do so ‘habitually’. Thus, its only logical that, whenever I pick up a deck, now, my body and mind recoil from the task… like they did Tuesday… and that I feel that familiar self-doubt… which, dollars to doughnuts, means that I’m not tapping into my full potential as a reader.

That’s also when it ‘hit’ me that, were I to find a way to ‘short circuit’ that energy… to set it aside… and to approach the cards with the joyful, confident, curious, risk-taking energy I’ve learned to apply to the rest of my life, it might completely change my experience of the cards and my relationship to them.

LIGHTBULB!

Now, I’m anxious to explore this possibility, and to begin the process of re-learning the Tarot in my new life. ‘How’ I’ll do it and ‘how’ it’ll affect things, I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that its better to ‘risk’ and to grow than to not… and I’m fairly confident that I’ll have fun in the process, and maybe even help others along the way.

One other thing I wanted to note was that, Thursday, I spent an hour (or so) talking to someone about this and they shocked me by asking whether its possible that that ‘energy’ I feel going into a reading is that of my querents(?) and that I may be mistaking it for my own…(?)

Sheeeit! I hadn’t really thought of that! Guess that’s another avenue of exploration to consider in the future.

Wow! Looks like shit’s about to get interesting!