This spring, while stressin’ some stuff with my BF, I got to the point of almost ‘giving up’ and wrote a poem for him in a last ditch effort to get him to hear me. Maybe ‘seeing’ would help… you know (?)
Unfortunately, it went over like a lead balloon, and while he said it was ‘good’, it was clear he didn’t like what I had to say.
‘Why can’t you write about how great I am?’ he asked.
So, I set it aside and told myself that, at least, I’d ‘tried’.
Oddly enough, while the poem was forgotten, things changed with us and it wasn’t long before the issues that’d bred it were smaller …or gone… too. So, when I came accross it while puttering on my site one day, I decided to post it as a reminder not to let others make me an option when I should be a priority and because I was proud of my work.
Then, I let it and the stress go and got busy with the good times.
The other day, though, my BF made a comment that he’d seen it… read it… and that since that was my point… I could take it down.
I considered arguing because he’d chosen to read my site and should have realized that he could also choose not to… and because this is my one place to play… think… vent… but then realized that it was the least I could do in light of how happy he’d made me, so I pulled it.
The problem, however, is that I really don’t have any other venue where I can express myself freely and, sinse I can’t talk to anyone when I need a sounding board or to ask questions, I feel as though the ‘gag order’ I’ve been under for the past year or so has been clamped firmly and finally into place.
I know! It sounds ’emo’, but truth is, I can’t talk to anyone.
I mean, my BF loves me and is amazing in so many ways I can’t begin to list them, but the simple fact is that he doesn’t want to hear what he doesn’t like or lacks interest in. My friends, while they’re great, are seldom available and often dislike my opinions, and there’s a lot I can’t share with people that are too close or distant. And, few – if any – would care about most of what I say and do.
In fact, the people around me make a regular habit out of interupting, talking over, ignoring, or dismissing me, and there’s seldom a time I open my mouth that someone’s not saying ‘don’t go there!’ Of course, I understand and try to respect that, but it’s getting so that I can’t talk to anyone and I’m a ‘talker’ by nature so it’s hurting me in very tangable ways, including making me feel isolated and unvalued.
So, I guess I’ll have to think about this and see if there’s another way that I can respect others and still express myself. Sigh.