Ok. Too much going on to do this right so just gonna post…

First, I’ve been hurting myself again by dressing fear up as prudence. With money dissapearing and no clue of what I’d get on EI, I figured I should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, I went hunting for government and community resources I might need like credit counselling, and started doing ‘damage control’.

When I caught myself saying that shit was hitting the fan and I needed to cut my stress or my head would ‘explode’, though, I remembered that both my aunt and grandfather dropped from brain aneurisms and figured enough was enough!

Then, while trying to figure out how to stop worrying and get control, I realized that sometimes all it takes is a mind-flip… or change of perspective… so, I tried that.

I took my statement that I’d ‘lost my stepfather, job, and most of my self confidence this summer’ and flipped it around to…

‘In the past few months, I’ve been able to do a major DIY structural improvement to my home, try a new ‘job’, take the first real vacay I’ve had in years, mend broken family ties and deal with the drama of family and friends, and much more!’

Suddenly, instead of seeing myself as drowning in stress, I saw myself as having used it to ‘motivate’ me, and realized just how much I’d accomplished. As if by magic, some of the stress evaporated on the spot, and I’ve sinse been able to deal a lot more easily.

I think it’s important for me to take some time soon, though, to write a about what’s been going on in the light of this different perspective and to let the process of writing help me to ‘let it go’. Maybe that way, I’ll be able to further reduce the stress and reinforce in my own mind the fact that I can’t play games with fear… nor can I expect the ‘worst’ and not think that’s exactly what I’ll get.

I’ve also been trying to keep up with things with my mother. After decades of estrangement, it’s good to finally WANT to call her and I think that if we keep this up we might finaly be able to mend those broken ties. I’m also hoping that this will encourage my brother and sister to do the same.

Of course, it’s stressful knowing I can’t help or even get to her in an emergency and all, but I truly hope that this summer will have been a ‘turning point’ for us and that if nothing else, it will please my anscestors… my fathers in particular.

I’m still talking to my sister and anxious to see her again. It’s been 3 years or so. But, she still hasn’t figured out how to clear herself of the ‘issues’ she’s dealing with and I just don’t have much to offer besides moral support and ideas. Hopefully soon, though, she’ll move back here and we’ll be able to help each other out. For now, I pray.

I’ve also been chipping away at things around the house – taking care of regular chores while ticking off jobs and repairs that’ve been waiting for years – and don’t have too many ‘have to’s left. I want to refinish my computer chair, paint or build some furniture, etc… but it’s nothing I can’t save for the winter if it comes down to it.

I’m also working with the YMCA employment centre…

Just got an eval done and found out I may have been ignoring a job market I didn’t think I belonged in, which is exciting. Aparently, I’ve got more aptitude and transferable skills in the Science and Technology area than I figured, so I’ll be looking for job oportunities there while considering 2^nd Career education oportunities. I’ve also decided not to take the first job offered because the hours and pay are worse than what I just left and I really want to better my life. Hope that was the right thing to do!

Oh! and I’ve signed up for a smoking cessation trial project through the region – still trying to quit. Will talk to doctor to make sure it’s safe but thinking it’d be sweet to start the new year smoke-free.

Things are better too, with my roommate, which reduces stress. Not sure how long it’ll last and all, but at least it’s something and I’m glad.

Things are better too with my daughter moving closer… finaly got some time with her lately and don’t worry as much now she’s closer. It’s been good getting time with my grandbaby too.

Thinking of that…

While working on the stress and all the other day, I asked myself whether or not I’ve been making the ‘right’ choices… should I have put off the repairs… looked harder for work… spent differently… etc (?) and the answer I got was that while the summer’s been chaotic and all, it’s been good too.

I got thinking about the year of the Rabbit… I mean I knew that’d mean ‘family’ would be highlighted, but didn’t expect it to become ‘all consuming!’ Then, I thought that people are more valuable than things… remembered the moments spent with Baby Boo… seeing my niece and all… and thought, ‘You’re damned right t’s worth it!’ Maybe I’ll hate myself later, but for now, I’d do it all again. So, no use cryin’ over spilled milk. I have done the best I could and will just stand by that.

Other than that, my BF and I have been staying as active as possible. Went hiking for a few hours this weekend past and then played ‘washers’. Yah, he stresses me too sometimes but he’s also one of the best sources of relaxtion and happiness in my life and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I just wish I could afford to show him the same sort of kindnesses he shows me and treat him to some pressies once in a while.

Anyways, got to get a few things done but will maybe elaborate on some of this later, for now, it’s ‘hopcha… hopcha… quick like a bunny!’ and I’m gone <|: )