Well, I did like Dr. Dreamy wanted and got the blood work done Wednesday (20 AUG/supposed to go back in 2 weeks for results). Then, I booked a massage. Now, I’ve got to admit I was nervous because I’ve only had one professional massage in my life and it felt great but, later, I felt as though I’d been beaten with a bag of pop cans. So, I was nervous.

Luckily, Sandra was as ‘good’ as Dr. Dreamy said she’d be, and immediately put me at ease. We talked a while about my health, and then she got to work. And… it was everything I’d always dreamed it’d be! I mean, OMFG!… it was amazing! That woman got into spots that’ve needed it for years, and while I would have liked to have her work them out a little more, it was such a relief!

Afterward, I didn’t feel pain like I did the last time either, and I went through a lot less general pain that evening than was ‘normal’ for me. Now, I just have to figure out how the heck I can afford to get more!

Last week while driving home from work, I spotted some friends on a patio and stopped to have a drink with them. As I slid a chair up to the table and exchanged greetings with them, S said she had something for me and offered me a deck of Tarot cards and their companion book wrapped in a shopping bag.

Of course, that lead to my being asked to read for my friend ‘T’, but I hesitated because its probably been almost two years since I’ve even touched the cards. In fact, as I hesitated, I realized I hadn’t even been considering the possibility and that, if I took them, they’d likely just end up collecting dust. But, a part of me also missed using them, so I agreed to give it a shot. ‘If I can remember how and you don’t mind if I mess up large…’ I told her.

As soon as I started, the familiar fears that’d plagued me throughout the 15 or so years I’d actively read Tarot came back to haunt me. Could I…? What if I’m way off…? But, I forced them back down and ‘winged it’, and had barely lain the fourth card before she stopped me.

‘Enough!’ she cried, with one hand raised as if to ward me off, and her face turned away as though she couldn’t bare to even look at the cards. Then, she explained that she didn’t need to hear any more to know that I knew what I was doing, and insisted I read for her another time in a more private setting.

Naturally, I did, and then packed the book and cards into my purse, thanked S for them, and we all chatted. Later, however, as I thought about what happened, I questioned my decision not to touch the cards.

One of the major reasons I’d made it, you see, was censure from my boyfriend, who doesn’t believe in or support my using them. I’d also set them aside because I knew I could mess with my own head with them, and because friends had often taken far too much of my energy by imposing upon me for free readings. What I hadn’t allowed myself to think about for a very long time, though, was how much I missed the challenge of the cards and the joy of being able to use them to help others. So, as I packed a bag for a weekend at my boyfriend’s, I tossed my favorite deck into my bag… ‘just in case…’

The funny thing was, though, that I did two more readings on the weekend before it even occurred to me that I could use the cards to look at some of the issues in my own life and, perhaps, gain some insight into them. Of course, many people insist that one shouldn’t read for themselves, but introspection’s always been one of my favorite uses for the cards. So, I think I’ll keep them out for a while and see where it leads.

Yes, I’m a little nervous about letting myself use them again, but perhaps I’ve learned from past mistakes and grown strong enough to say ‘no’ when I haven’t got the energy to give to others(?)

I guess I’ll have to wait and see…

Time to time, I’ve had this odd health problem or that pop up and I’ve mentioned it to whichever doctor might have been treating me at the time. Usually, because each appeared random and unconnected to any other of my health issues, they’ve been dismissed. Recently, however, I’ve begun to wonder whether they might be connected(?)

I was scared to talk to my doctor about it for a number of reasons…

• I’ve got a bad memory (like I have to do the math to know how old I am!) that makes it hard for me to tell doctors when something started or how long it lasted, which seems to make them doubt me
• my last doc was great ’till he prescribed a drug he said had no side affects and I told him it did, including brief but severe bouts of imbalance or diziness. Then, he suddenly questioned his diagnosis of me (arthritis), accused me of being paranoid (said it was all in my head) and of ‘faking’ to get out of work, stopped prescribing pain meds and treated me like an ‘abuser’, and threatened to quit treating me if I didn’t take them.
• My current doctor doesn’t seem to like it when I use any medical terminology or come close to suggesting I have a particular condition (i.e. ‘I think I’ve got a cold’ etc) and I don’t want to alienate him
• I don’t trust our drive-through medical system, which teats ‘disease’, not ‘people’, and I’m scared I’ll be forced to take pharmaceuticals, which can do as much damage as good
• I don’t have medical coverage so, even if he prescribes treatments, I can’t afford them, which is likely to lead my doc to believe I’m unwilling to work with him

Despite my fears, though, I forced myself to talk to him about these issues last week, and his reaction seemed to indicate that he doubted me. So, I went back today for a physical, and was worried about how he’d treat me.

Luckily, Dr. Dreamy (a fellow patient calls him that, so I will too) treated me with the same courtesy and respect he always has, and we got through the physical okay. The one thing I noticed, however, is that he didn’t really ask questions about the symptoms I’d mentioned, although he did surprise me by asking about a flutter or skip in my heart (something I’ve suspected is happening but, again, was afraid to mention).

Then, he prescribed massage for my ‘tendonitis’ again, and sent me on my way.

The truth is that I can’t afford it, but I guess I’ll have to give it a shot.

Last week, I hurt my shoulder while working and could barely lift or use that arm, so I called my doctor’s office and made an appointment. Then, I took care of it and by the end of the weekend it’d improved enough that I considered canceling.

Once I was back to work, though, I strained it again. My head hurt, my neck pulled and ground as I moved, stabbing and burning pains flared and faded at different points on my body, and I was so exhausted that even standing seemed more than I could manage. Eventually, tears welled in my eyes and I thought, ‘Enough! I can’t keep doing this! I’m going!’

So, I kept the appointment and my doctor quickly confirmed what I’d suspected, which was that I’d likely torn the rotator cuff and that there was nothing he could do for it. Having herd that, though, I then screwed up my courage, reminded him of the fact that he’d diagnosed me with tendonitis in both forearms, and asked if it was ‘normal’ for someone with that condition to experience a burning sensation in their skin(?)

He allowed that tendonitis pain could be perceived as ‘burning’, and I asked if it was possible for the tendonitis to spread to other parts of the body. ‘See, I get the arm thing,’ I told him, ‘but then it started in my neck, my legs, my feet… and between that, the exhaustion… the freakin’ headaches and all… I mean, its getting so I can barely do housework!’

Right about then, though, he cut me off with something like ‘drop the tendonitis crap’, and said that he didn’t know who I’d been talking to or what I’d been looking up, but that we were going to

get to the bottom of this’. Then, he told me he wanted to do a physical, and sent me out to book it.

Unfortunately, his receptionist was busy, so I went out to my car figuring I’d call later. As I put the key in the ignition, however, emotions and frustration suddenly overcame me and I started crying. In fact, I sobbed!

You see, the truth is that I was scared to death because I’d wanted to talk to the doctor about those issues for some time, but I was also afraid that doing so might lead to my having to take pharmaceutical drugs, which I not only can’t afford, but am afraid of because of side affects and such. I was also afraid that if I did, the doctor would simply dismiss me as being a liar, or tell me it was all in my head.

The problem, however, is that I am going through those things and its gotten bad enough that its affected everything from my hobbies and activities to my job and relationships. And, the longer I go without saying anything, the worse the various problems seem to become. So, I’d taken a chance and talked to my doctor, only to be made to feel as though he suspected me of ‘bullshitting’ him.

Anyways, after allowing myself a moment or two to let some of the stress out, I went back inside and made an appointment for a physical. Now, I just have to hope that, whatever happens, the doctor will at least try to help me figure things out.

just some pics of me that I don’t want to lose